the language of gratitude

I want to thank Stacy and Green-Style Mom for reminding me that word choice does matter. I can choose to say 'I need to do the dishes' and believe that I'm trapped; or I can say 'I want to finish the dishes before I go to bed because the dishes are easier to clean and I like to look at a clean kitchen in the morning.' Or 'I'm lucky that my family is able to choose and eat delicious organic healthy food and I enjoy cooking.'

Even just being aware of how many times I say 'should' and 'need' can change my attitude just that little bit I need to remain centered. I don't like feeling like a victim; why let my own words lead me there?

Mother's Day 2008

Two years ago, I had the idea of calling some other mothers on Mother's Day, to thank them for the love and wisdom they'd given me that year. It's one of my favorite traditions now, though I still have two mothers on my to-do list for this year (thanks to that pesky gastroenteritis and a little dash of procrastination). Hey, mother appreciation cannot be limited to a single day of the year, right? Anyway, here's the list for this year:

• My mother, who taught me strength in so many ways
• Leah S., who approaches the same parenting ideals from different strategies
• Leah A., who shares her creative passions with her children in so many rich ways
• Stacy L., who lives her faith in her parenting, a congruent integrity in action
• Sara C., who is willing to make big changes to support her family (after doing lots of research)
• Tera S., who is so often the voice of reason and sanity, while remaining understanding and supportive

I am blessed to know you and receive your gifts. Thank you!

Potty Camp 2008

Here's how we spent our long weekend: read library books, drew on chalkboards, did kitchen science experiments (colloidal suspension and lifting icecubes with string and salt), made Eccles cakes and hazelnut palmiers, painted with new tempera paints, watched some movies, hosted a Sunday party, planted nine types of seeds in our garden, did lots of snuggling, played ball on the pipeline, and made good use of an old cardboard box (slide/house/ride/boat).

Oh yes, and we charted bathroom habits for two small boys.

The first day, we scattered diapers around the house, which were used considerably. The second day, we removed the diapers and moved the potty chair to the livingroom, which was used considerably. The third day, the potty chair was moved back to the bathroom, and both boys managed to make it to the bathroom on time, every time... until we put the coveted training pants on Sunday night and then they both ignored the calls of nature (and the frequent but casual reminders of their parents) as usual.

We had surprisingly less 'accidents' than I expected (one each per day), most of which came when they were clothed. So we're still figuring out how to proceed from here, since clothing is still de rigueur in our society and in this early spring season. Both boys agree that they would like to be out of diapers permanently, though they're okay with wearing them at night and for emergencies. We may do a 'two strikes' rule, where they can have accidents twice a day before we put them back into diapers.

I could wish there was an easy answer for this issue, one right way to get them into underwear without too many accidents... but I'm not sure I'd believe it if someone told me there was. Kind of like life in general, really.

A lovely spring day

And a young mother's thoughts turn to toilet-training. April Fool's!

Of course, we're not calling it 'toilet-training'; it's a toilet-readiness assessment camp. That part's not a joke.

Our prefolds, bought five years ago and used well on two small bottoms, are shredding day by day, layer by layer. We have gone through four types of diaper covers (buying 6-8 of each type) in attempts to find ones that stay on active older children. We have used more disposables than I care to think about as a result of successive diaper blowouts that temporarily eliminated the stock of clean diaper covers. And we're weary of constant laundry, especially since we use the community laundry (free! but on the far side of the courtyard). The parents are ready.

And Tallest has lately been using the potty several times a day, while his brother does so more sporadically but might be brought to more imitation if we were consistent in opportunity. They are also both able to articulate their need to release and the subsequent state of their diapers, though they don't do either consistently or in tandem. The kids might be ready.

So this weekend I'm going to roll up the rug, put towels everywhere and let them run around naked all day or in sweatpants outside ('Pick a pee tree, dear!'). We'll have lots of new library books, good food, a full-length movie which will be a first for screen-deprived kids (Incredible Journey, and I'll be counting the jolts per minute for statistical purposes), training pants ready to go, and a parent who is pledged to pay attention to possible pee opportunities all weekend long. No shame, no blame, just some socialization.

Let me be patient enough to accept all the possible consequences of my plan ("Oh you pooped on the couch? Okay, we'll clean it up."). Let me be strong enough to set appropriate boundaries ("Please don't play with the poop"). Let me be open to their needs while I am their guide in this complex state of childhood in America.

Here's to good fortune and dry clothes, all weekend long.

What's on my mind (library version)

Here's a partial list of what's on my mind lately, as evidenced by my library record:

How I'm reacting to going back to work:
Take back your time : fighting overwork and time poverty in America /
Take back your time : how to regain control of work, information, and technology /
The life audit : a step-by-step guide to taking stock, gaining control, and creating the life you want /
Slow is beautiful : new visions of community, leisure and joie de vivre /
The pursuit of loneliness : American culture at the breaking point /

What's coming up next?
The long emergency : surviving the converging catastrophes of the twenty-first century /
Powerdown : options and actions for a post-carbon world /

Trying to eat more nutritious food:
The whole beast /Bones : recipes, history, and lore /
Beyond nose to tail : more omnivorous recipes for the adventurous cook /

Getting ready for my parents to come back to town:
Grandparents, grandchildren : the vital connection /

Still trying to keep values aligned:
Celebrate the solstice : honoring the Earth's seasonal rhythms through festival and ceremony /
Unplugged play : no batteries, no plugs, pure fun /

How I relax:
Reader and raelynx /
The glass harmonica /

Mr. Fantasy

I'm indebted to my friend E who not only gave me great empathy at short notice during a friendship crisis, but also gave me some unsolicited advice on fantasies and their relationship to one's primary relationship. Now when I crush on someone or when I'm resenting the usual trade-offs of a long-term relationship and thinking that anyone else would be better, I think about what I'm responding to in the unreal relationship and what that means I need in the real relationship. I allow myself to go with the flow, without judgment, and then take back some lessons learned.

And surprisingly, it's allowed me to help generate some much-needed changes and helped me recognize the truly good parts of what I already have. Because I'm smart enough to know that change for change's sake is not the best reason to throw away a relationship that has lasted through so much already and given me so much.

And I'll never really know what Prof. Snape would do if given a little NVC empathy.

Real health

I got diagnosed with abnormally low levels of vitamin D a few weeks ago (yes, me too!), and so I've added cod liver oil to a daily smoothie. Two tablespoons in a quart of mango-carrot-banana smoothie is not bad at all. Ditto pineapple-coconut milk-kale-banana. Long term, I hope to integrate more natural sources into our winter diet, like salmon and organ meat and bacon fat.

Turns out that all those PNW Indians eating salmonsalmonsalmon were doing themselves a huge favor in these grey winters.

The connection between vitamin D and depression makes me wonder what life would be like if we were all receiving optimum vitamins and minerals from traditional foods, not skipping on nutrition because it's easier and not trying to replace them with synthetic supplements. How much of our parenting angst would be eliminated; how many of our children's emotional storms would be calmed sooner?

Which is not to say that it would all be easy... but it does make me wish for my favorite Star Trek device, the food replicator, which produces delicious, nutritionally correct food at the push of a button. Except my version would need to draw on the foodstuffs produced by local farmers and it would need to be able to scan in my favorite cookbooks. And let me have an extra chocolate chip cookie once in a while. Maybe I need my own personal chef instead.

Death of a friend

We took our feline friend Jacques to the vet today; he had nonoperable abdominal tumors. He was 14 years old, so it was mostly a good life.

And that's what I kept telling myself and the kids right up until the time of the injection when suddenly the tears started flowing. I'm going to miss him so much. He was with me through my divorce, subsequent depression, all the moves, babies turning into grabby toddlers... he was such a phlegmatic, patient cat. And loving. Always ready for a lap sit, or any other way to be near a warm human.

Goodbye Yves/Jock/Jacques (and whatever your real cat name is). Thank you.

My strange valentine

Tallest made me a valentine yesterday while playing with R and L. There were spaces for drawing on the card, and R asked Tallest if he wanted to draw a picture for me. He was a little at a loss, so she asked him what reminds him of me.

So of course he drew a nipple.

Logical, right? But having embarked on that course, the next picture was of another body part that also differentiates his body from mine, or indeed anyone who has gone through puberty, and had the advantage of being easy to draw since it is mostly a pile of hair.

I laughed so hard I cried.

But M's valentine was even more dramatic since it depicted an unfortunate event that occurred when M was just a baby, and that significantly differentiates M from the boys. 'See, dad, there are the clippers and there's the blood.' I had no idea that this had reached Tallest at such a deep level. We've only talked about it a couple of times, at a casual level.

It was funny, and yet I am also celebrating that our boys are being brought up with less body shame than we were. Yay for naming the parts of our body what they are and not hiding them (except on the Web).

The Family Bed

I am the bedtime lodestar,
magnetic north in the family bed.
Arms, legs, knees, all stray body parts
find their way to me in the night,
and measure happiness
by proximity.